Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

the three genders

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

my mom making me talk to relatives

Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.