You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”