Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

dads on road-trips be like

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.