“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
This is no longer an app but a mishapp