You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.