You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
He just like my cat fr
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
But I really needed water water water
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
this is so top tier i cant
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”