You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Florida be like…
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!