Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

somebody come look at this

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

accurate

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

😂🐈‍⬛

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.