You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Was it something I said?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.