You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Dear Lord..
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.