You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
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Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.