You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
School be like
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that