You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea