“You’d better run, egg!”
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
This kid will have a bright future.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size