“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.