You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor