You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.