You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
peep davidson