You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
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Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I can’t stop watching this.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome