You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
You Might Also Like
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.