You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
i’m sure it’s fine
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD