You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom