You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die