@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

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@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@FrogAvalanche

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

@trevso_electric

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

@moxieblogger

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@lotterydude

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

@I_am_carbs

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.