You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.


“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”


Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁


If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”


A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic


[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork


*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.