Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*
Yeah. That’s do-able.