You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
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My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Florida be like…
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
✌️
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.