#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.