You’ll be OK
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Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)