You’ll be OK
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.