You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.