you’ll never guess who died!! -how my mother starts every phone call
![]()
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
🤝
![]()
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
![]()
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
![]()
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups