You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
congratulations to them
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.