Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.