You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.