@sixfootcandy (first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
@mandysparklerxo You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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@sixfootcandy 
@TweetsByTheTony Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
@MadHatterMommy My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
@WilliamRodgers Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
@AbbieEvansXO SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
@cheeky__gal After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
@sarcasticmommy4 Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
@DeadLioness What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
@newLettuce Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
@Eithercryingor I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.