“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
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Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Hot Panini is in big trouble
baby shoes, never worn.
should have bought adult shoes.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.