You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Best mom ever 😂
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.