You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Jail
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it