Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
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I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
*frowns in Scottish*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!