Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER