Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I feel it
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail