Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
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We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Namaste
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.