Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Go girl power!

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

I put the h in mysterious.

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

[Driving home from restaurant]

WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”