Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
This is a true ally.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
How software testing works
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?