“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
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If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
who did the taste test?
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird