Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The hardest thing Vision has to do
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home