your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
guys i’ve cracked the code
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Good point.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.