Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
We need more people like this.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
The real reason evolution started..😂
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.