Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.