Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive