@timdonakowski

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

@HatfieldAnne

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

@PaigeKellerman

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

@simoncholland

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@BuckyIsotope

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

@fadethepublic77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.