Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

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Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear


Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.


The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.


My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.


Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.


Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”


a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins


I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.