@timdonakowski
@ThisOneSayz Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
You Might Also Like
@ThisOneSayz 
@HatfieldAnne Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
@PaigeKellerman The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
@simoncholland My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
@SpacePlankton Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
@BuckyIsotope Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
@Fred_Delicious Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
@SvnSxty a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
@fadethepublic77 I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
@TheAlexNevil I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
