Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
This hospital has everything
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.