Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*