your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
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wtf is a larm clock?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.