Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”