Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I have obtained a hat
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
choose your fighter(holiday edition)