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If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?